Holiday

I always 

Stay close to the shallows.

Adventure is something

Much less lived

Much more dreamed.

Somehow

Though, it seems

Strange - the jump,

The plunge,

For once I took a chance.

Everyone wants

What's safe.

And everyone has

Their advice,

But they've never jumped.

What 

Answer or words

Will hold up,

Against these

Troubling times?

Loneliness

"Don't

Surrender

Your loneliness so quickly.

Let it cut more

Deep.

Let it ferment and season you

As few human

Or even divine ingredients can."

-Hafiz

<being>

Reflections on solitude: I don't know how to be still.

I mean, sure I can sit and watch an entire Netflix season and not move much; but the whole idea of inner quiet? I fucking suck at this. That's why I'm here.

Long, honest conversations. Beautiful surroundings. For all of the unpleasantness of coming out to people, I have met more beauty and kindness than I ever imagined possible.

I have experienced more reproach, shame, and repression from my own mind than from any of these my friends. Grateful.

If I could change myself, I would.

Why? Because who wants to go through all of this when you could just be "normal".

I want my deepest sentiments of love towards one person to not be called "perverse", "disgusting", and "appalling".

I long for a mutually loving and caring relationship where each person puts the other before themselves in a constant battle to overcome selfishness and self-centered desires. You need a person to help you get past yourself. Whether that's romantic or not.

I want people to understand that I didn't choose this...that it's not an expression of rebellion.

I also want people to know, I deeply love her. I cannot pretend, for all the world, that I have always done what is right. But I love her. 

Clarity

"If our love is insanity then why are you my clarity?" -Zedd

Changing of Seasons

It is funny.

One day on the calendar - but the change from August to September,

Always brings with it the realization that summer's end has come.

Though, technically, the weather will not change much

For our proximity to the sun doesn't pay attention to

The recesses and beginning of academic calendars.

Still, Autumn is on its way.

How can we go through this change of seasons apart?

I don't know.

I do know - Autumn, to me, means apple orchards.

It means picking apples while eating them,

The only time in any activity when I forgo my OCD

And don't care that I get messy and sticky.

I climb trees,

Run from bees,

Even throw an apple or two at someone...

It means the smell of a wood fire 

At the Autumn harvest festivals.

I want to take you apple-picking.

Studious?

She would roll her eyes.
Me geeking out, pouring over an argument in Semetic semantics -
(She'd count the syllables and pat me on the head)
- and asking questions about time, relevance, and sexuality.
"I know what I've been taught, but I was also taught to believe that homosexuals were somehow deviants - they knew what they were doing wrong."
We react in fear to what we do not understand.
I'm afraid because, despite how confident I sound when I am angry and swearing,
I don't even know what to do with my own sexuality.
(So I'm blogging about it instead? Classy)
I am told that God doesn't make mistakes,
That He doesn't mess up, and that no matter how much someone wants me to think otherwise -
He accepts me and loves me.
I know that the "sin of Sodom" isn't what I was raised to believe.
(Check out Ezekiel 16, if you know what I am talking about)
I have so many questions.
Mostly, I wish I could witness her smile as she rolled her eyes at me...

Quiet

The silence where your humming used to be, going from room-to-room.

The warm, safe scent you carry with you.

A smile that cheers hearts and stops mine.

I miss how you used to sing.

Do you sing anymore?