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Reflections on solitude: I don't know how to be still.

I mean, sure I can sit and watch an entire Netflix season and not move much; but the whole idea of inner quiet? I fucking suck at this. That's why I'm here.

Long, honest conversations. Beautiful surroundings. For all of the unpleasantness of coming out to people, I have met more beauty and kindness than I ever imagined possible.

I have experienced more reproach, shame, and repression from my own mind than from any of these my friends. Grateful.

If I could change myself, I would.

Why? Because who wants to go through all of this when you could just be "normal".

I want my deepest sentiments of love towards one person to not be called "perverse", "disgusting", and "appalling".

I long for a mutually loving and caring relationship where each person puts the other before themselves in a constant battle to overcome selfishness and self-centered desires. You need a person to help you get past yourself. Whether that's romantic or not.

I want people to understand that I didn't choose this...that it's not an expression of rebellion.

I also want people to know, I deeply love her. I cannot pretend, for all the world, that I have always done what is right. But I love her.