iWrite

I have so many questions.
There are still things that have not settled,
As I come in contact with the every day.
I greet the sunrise and moonlight alike -
Wondering what revelation a new day will mean.
I jump at opportunities to help, to work...
I do not wish to grow stagnant
Nor arrogant.
Those who have erred much should know -
We have no place to judge,
And we never did.
Our own illusions of how 'good' we are,
How much others should only wish
To do as we have done -
That mirror is shattered.
We must look upon ourselves and what we have done.
Knowing full well, we were never so collected.
Never so clean.
So I see, I tried to make everyone believe that
I was 'good enough',
But none of us are.

Boots

I've got my walking shoes on.
When the air shifts,
The crisp, full breath of fall
Descends on this place -
My feet itch for change.
Unknowns swirl around my shoes.
Opportunity echoes around
Corners out of sight.
And my hand is still out-stretched,
Waiting for yours.

Crumbling Walls

I wonder
How long it took
For my walls to fall.
When it took my whole life to build?

Somehow,
Only you,
You can get it.
You break down the insecurity.

Now I know
I am supposed to
Pretend like I can be ok.
Be ok without you.

I love you.

Thoughts.

"Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive." - Hafiz

Holiday

I always 

Stay close to the shallows.

Adventure is something

Much less lived

Much more dreamed.

Somehow

Though, it seems

Strange - the jump,

The plunge,

For once I took a chance.

Everyone wants

What's safe.

And everyone has

Their advice,

But they've never jumped.

What 

Answer or words

Will hold up,

Against these

Troubling times?

Loneliness

"Don't

Surrender

Your loneliness so quickly.

Let it cut more

Deep.

Let it ferment and season you

As few human

Or even divine ingredients can."

-Hafiz

<being>

Reflections on solitude: I don't know how to be still.

I mean, sure I can sit and watch an entire Netflix season and not move much; but the whole idea of inner quiet? I fucking suck at this. That's why I'm here.

Long, honest conversations. Beautiful surroundings. For all of the unpleasantness of coming out to people, I have met more beauty and kindness than I ever imagined possible.

I have experienced more reproach, shame, and repression from my own mind than from any of these my friends. Grateful.

If I could change myself, I would.

Why? Because who wants to go through all of this when you could just be "normal".

I want my deepest sentiments of love towards one person to not be called "perverse", "disgusting", and "appalling".

I long for a mutually loving and caring relationship where each person puts the other before themselves in a constant battle to overcome selfishness and self-centered desires. You need a person to help you get past yourself. Whether that's romantic or not.

I want people to understand that I didn't choose this...that it's not an expression of rebellion.

I also want people to know, I deeply love her. I cannot pretend, for all the world, that I have always done what is right. But I love her. 

Clarity

"If our love is insanity then why are you my clarity?" -Zedd

Changing of Seasons

It is funny.

One day on the calendar - but the change from August to September,

Always brings with it the realization that summer's end has come.

Though, technically, the weather will not change much

For our proximity to the sun doesn't pay attention to

The recesses and beginning of academic calendars.

Still, Autumn is on its way.

How can we go through this change of seasons apart?

I don't know.

I do know - Autumn, to me, means apple orchards.

It means picking apples while eating them,

The only time in any activity when I forgo my OCD

And don't care that I get messy and sticky.

I climb trees,

Run from bees,

Even throw an apple or two at someone...

It means the smell of a wood fire 

At the Autumn harvest festivals.

I want to take you apple-picking.