i. hug. fence.

this clarity, it comes at a great price.
and somedays i'm willing to pay. others, i curse.
cursing my own longing for semblance of balance.
my darkest lenses see better than the roses,
they see me and others for what is true.
but they are brutal, and then i cannot take them off.
and then i remember all the things i hid away,
all the things which kept me up at night.
all the sights and sounds which echoed
inside my heart. i remember the scars along the arms,
the words of defeat. the hopeless resignations.
angry words and accusations. and i remember the safety.
that suffocating safety in the darkness.
where i was untouched, by any and all.
and it almost seems inviting. almost lures me in.
until the pictures come back. how i was willing
willing to fight my way out. willing to die.
wanting to. anything to escape and to feel.
so i'm hopping the fence. not towing it.
and i'm letting go. trusting God. and walking Home.
it's a long walk. and it feels like i'm walking in circles,
but you're always here.

Let's defy the odds

one thing is always true,
that which i most forget.
the way that i bring my own pain-
when i turn my face from You.
gravity, wasted. depleted by time.
the world spins on watching,
waiting and grasping,
echoing that of my mind.
so let's defy the odds.
let's jump ship and go.
i'll empty my pocket of rocks,
if you'll lift this vertigo.
my hand, a needle and thread,
wait to be set free.
to build upon what You have said,
to do Your work for me.
and amid my city of wreckage
beneath the brush and debris,
i'm seeing a city of pillars
that cannot be shaken by me.
so let's defy the odds.
i'm seeing a city of pillars,
that cannot be shaken by me.

because with you, everything and nothing makes sense

i graduated. well, sort of.
i'm 21 with my "whole life in front of me" and yet, i think i've seen it all.
that's the problem. i think that i've seen it all. i'm sure i haven't.
perhaps a pause in the hum of every day life would do me good. perhaps a good kick in the pants would, too. what is it of my generation, of which i am very much a part, that seems to believe that we should, nay deserve fulfillment in every aspect of our lives? i think about how i got here. i am not the product of a rich heritage of fairy-tale love stories, but rather of every day life moving on in spite of set-backs, up-sets, and start-ups. so, when i wake up early every morning to go to work, am i expecting to be "in love" with what i do always? if i go to college, will it be all that i wanted? Really, "What of this makes us who we are?" (S. Groves)
i graduated. sort of...

cold, not forgotten

it's cold outside.
i shiver inside, i hold a cup tightly.
finger tips turn white.

your words still hang on.
they're catching, snagging at my soul.
like the wood my feet tread upon.

whispering ghosts, and shapes.
your memory i cannot forget, the way we were.
the way i longed for your face.

photographs recall, journals spill over.
when we knew, i knew; i wanted you.
it feels like it has been years of forever.

it's cold outside.
i shiver inside, holding on to what warmth i have.
because i've forgotten.
i've forgotten how to love my first Love.

jump

from where i'm standing i cannot see far ahead
there are miles of uncertainty rolling out like the plains of the West
my fears as the size of thunderstorm clouds
roll out across the unknown territories ahead
holding back never did me any good
in the end we all lose

i'm holding my hands out expecting to be led
waiting for the Unseen Hands
when they lead, will i follow?
a dichotomy of grown up fears and childlike problems
convalescing from hiding under the covers too long
waiting for the morning

the dead is ressurecting
death has wrought new and better life
my God, His Son has shown me a new way to live
i'm watching the clouds, waiting for the storm
feeling the wind change on my face
it's time to jump

Nothing says something

a thousand times when words have been needed, they've been unspoken.

when action was urgent, it was inaction.

where love was starving, it was left hungry another day.

is that to say, nothing says nothing?

no. nothing says something.

nothing says "i am afraid", "i don't want to", "i worry", "i am not the

one...", "someone else would be better...".

inaction, means action.

the action of not acting.

in the silence, in the still, in the winter death of inaction,

choices are made, acted upon, lived out.

silence is not silent forever.

and maybe it screams out more than we know.

it is my prayer for sinners like me,

who say they want change, who say they want to love others

and show Jesus' love alive in their lives

for the whole world to see. it is my prayer,

for you who try and keep failing, who get up to be knocked down.

who gasp for air amid the smog of your own struggles,

trust God. trust Jesus' blood to carry you not only from

condemnation but through tribulation. trust, and live.

trust, and act. for inaction speaks volumes.

i forget that i am on display for the world to see...

Good morning, sun.

there are some things, like genetics, which i am glad pass on to the next generation.
things like enjoying a cup of coffee in the mornings.
if i did not have fond memories of watching my mom drink coffee every morning, i don't think i would much care for it, myself.
strangely, because it reminds me of being small, i like it.
i love sunny days, because i remember flying kites - those cheap 50 cent ones that'd break after about an hour - and running with my sister.
if my dad didn't so enjoy driving and talking, i should think that i wouldn't enjoy it very much at all - but, because i remember those things, all the times that i spent with people i love... i love those things now.
when you get older, people still ask you the same questions they've been asking you all your life: "what do you want to be when you grow up?" but the twist is that this time, you need a realistic answer. Doctors, lawyers, astronauts, and superhero-people, are all fine and good, but now it's time to be serious.
but, i don't want to forget what it means to dream.
i don't want to lost sight of enjoying the simple beauties of this life God has created; only to chase after a vocation because i am supposed to.
the twist is, i don't want to sit on my butt, either.
i want to live to the glory of The Only God, who made me.
and i want to remember what it is to dream, to run in the sunshine, to enjoy people's company and not just be there, but to BE there - not somewhere else in thought and desire.
hello new year, i am ready to be small.