i can't think anymore.
i try, it doesn't work.
things come, they come to pass.
morning changes to day, to afternoon, to night.
then morning again.
there's no break from reality.
there's no breaking from me.
how can i leave, with things as they are?
i cannot go, cannot go far from here.
time makes things harder.
i forget what i wanted.
because i cannot see it anymore.
i dream in black and white.
if i dream at all.
i must rely on memories of dreams.
and hold onto pictures i've seen in the sky.
to songs i cannot quite remember.
and faces that grow more blurred with time.
i swim in an ocean of memories.
remember the awe...

star gazing

i sit beneath the sky.

under wind, under light, under gravity.

i spy light out of the darkness.

over seas, over city, over space.

i trace a pattern in the sky.

like my grandmother. like my neighbor. like a stranger.

i whisper into the emptyness.

cricekts whisper. breeze answers. the orchestra of night.

i'm smaller than all, beneath this gaze.

smaller than a child. smaller than an ant. smaller than all.

i'm looking for You.

tracing. whispering. sitting. looking.

if You can whisper, please whisper.

if You can trace, please trace a message.

if You can sit with me, please sit.

if You look and see me amidst this world.

please show me.

please show. please teach. please open my eyes.

How should we then live?

In light.

Of God's Grace.

Grace which is so out of line.

With everything we're taught.

How should we.

Who have been forgiven much.

Then, live?

Not living to attain.

What we're already given.

Not living to pay back.

What's already ours.

But, living.

Living knowing we're only alive.

Because Jesus died.

And God loves immensely.

So.

How?

Yeah.

the way 'round the world is a lot closer,
not like the things that get under your skin.
a whole lot of open space
lying flat on the ground, without a fear.
there are different people, too
there's a world outside your window.
i guess i just got too caught up
playing shadow puppets on the wall,
too busy looking at reflections--
never seeing the real thing.
who knew rain puddles could sing?
or that wheat fields dance wildly, freely.
that color could be so intense,
so full and rich that it could captivate.
here, the same sun. same moon.
different world.

Rehab

no matter how much space he doesn't occupy,
it makes no sense. everytime a corner turns
in the house, his voice should come from the
other room. but it doesn't. get used to it.
it just doesn't.
pictures, viewings, friends, family, flowers.
so many flowers, so many friends.
i trailed the casket in hopes of it sinking in.
to know that this is reality, this is now normal.
and it doesn't help. it didn't.
when the family is all talking, it feels wrong,
that he's not there. it doesn't add up.
so strange how one person can fill so much space,
and leave such big holes. such big holes.

Sail and Gails

amid the rustle of the frost-burned grass,
underside the rubber soles of polished shoes-
in a place where few smiles survive,

she will wear the black dress, and she will
smile, she will sing. Proclaim to the sleepy
knoll, Jesus has taken away the sting.

the black sails that trail behind,
the box of all that remains,
walk slowly, traipsing on graves,
hover, whisper, tear drop across the place.

But she will smile.
In that long, black dress.
She will laugh, and smile --
She will sing.
"You can't hold him, you can't hold me"...
"Death, where is your sting?"

long goodbyes

the trouble with knowing someone is the underlying fear,
of knowing you will have to say goodbye someday.
the trouble with loving someone is that one day they will be gone,
and there will only be the memory of the who and why.
and the problem of saying goodbye is that not matter how many times,
you tell your head it's not forever you cannot imagine anything else.

the trouble of suffering,
is that you cannot stop it.
the crux of pain,
is that no words, no thoughts can alleviate.

long goodbyes...
if you make it through today,
into tonight.
not sure if it's goodbye,
not sure until the last.