Holding together

someone please, someone tell me
what do you do with these,
these things which won't let go.
these thoughts i can't just throw,
throw away.
the face i cannot forget,
and how i'd like to let,
let it stay this way.

but i cannot think, for the thoughts
that fill my head
i cannot dream
without this interrupting
and the strange thing is,
that's okay.

this is just temporary,
this is just how it has to be
i'll just hold together,
these small pieces till i'm back,
back where i'm supposed to be
you i cannot forget
and how id like to let it stay,
let it stay this way

just letting go
holding what's together
losing track, track of time
feels like i'm just losing my mind
but i see so clearly
and how i'd like to let it stay...
stay this way

Fall

we're watching leaves dancing
hearing the winds singing
tasting the season's hintings
and holding out hope for change
for change that is steady coming
gently, softly seeping
and i'm just here watching
holding out my hand, like before
anxious expectation
joyful resignation
breathless inspiration
just like before, last year
the only change, differring
from past events spurring
in the canvas spreading
i know i don't hold out in emptiness
softly comforting
purely re-aligning
simply awe inspiring
it's You.
as we watch the fall

i. hug. fence.

this clarity, it comes at a great price.
and somedays i'm willing to pay. others, i curse.
cursing my own longing for semblance of balance.
my darkest lenses see better than the roses,
they see me and others for what is true.
but they are brutal, and then i cannot take them off.
and then i remember all the things i hid away,
all the things which kept me up at night.
all the sights and sounds which echoed
inside my heart. i remember the scars along the arms,
the words of defeat. the hopeless resignations.
angry words and accusations. and i remember the safety.
that suffocating safety in the darkness.
where i was untouched, by any and all.
and it almost seems inviting. almost lures me in.
until the pictures come back. how i was willing
willing to fight my way out. willing to die.
wanting to. anything to escape and to feel.
so i'm hopping the fence. not towing it.
and i'm letting go. trusting God. and walking Home.
it's a long walk. and it feels like i'm walking in circles,
but you're always here.

Let's defy the odds

one thing is always true,
that which i most forget.
the way that i bring my own pain-
when i turn my face from You.
gravity, wasted. depleted by time.
the world spins on watching,
waiting and grasping,
echoing that of my mind.
so let's defy the odds.
let's jump ship and go.
i'll empty my pocket of rocks,
if you'll lift this vertigo.
my hand, a needle and thread,
wait to be set free.
to build upon what You have said,
to do Your work for me.
and amid my city of wreckage
beneath the brush and debris,
i'm seeing a city of pillars
that cannot be shaken by me.
so let's defy the odds.
i'm seeing a city of pillars,
that cannot be shaken by me.

because with you, everything and nothing makes sense

i graduated. well, sort of.
i'm 21 with my "whole life in front of me" and yet, i think i've seen it all.
that's the problem. i think that i've seen it all. i'm sure i haven't.
perhaps a pause in the hum of every day life would do me good. perhaps a good kick in the pants would, too. what is it of my generation, of which i am very much a part, that seems to believe that we should, nay deserve fulfillment in every aspect of our lives? i think about how i got here. i am not the product of a rich heritage of fairy-tale love stories, but rather of every day life moving on in spite of set-backs, up-sets, and start-ups. so, when i wake up early every morning to go to work, am i expecting to be "in love" with what i do always? if i go to college, will it be all that i wanted? Really, "What of this makes us who we are?" (S. Groves)
i graduated. sort of...

cold, not forgotten

it's cold outside.
i shiver inside, i hold a cup tightly.
finger tips turn white.

your words still hang on.
they're catching, snagging at my soul.
like the wood my feet tread upon.

whispering ghosts, and shapes.
your memory i cannot forget, the way we were.
the way i longed for your face.

photographs recall, journals spill over.
when we knew, i knew; i wanted you.
it feels like it has been years of forever.

it's cold outside.
i shiver inside, holding on to what warmth i have.
because i've forgotten.
i've forgotten how to love my first Love.

jump

from where i'm standing i cannot see far ahead
there are miles of uncertainty rolling out like the plains of the West
my fears as the size of thunderstorm clouds
roll out across the unknown territories ahead
holding back never did me any good
in the end we all lose

i'm holding my hands out expecting to be led
waiting for the Unseen Hands
when they lead, will i follow?
a dichotomy of grown up fears and childlike problems
convalescing from hiding under the covers too long
waiting for the morning

the dead is ressurecting
death has wrought new and better life
my God, His Son has shown me a new way to live
i'm watching the clouds, waiting for the storm
feeling the wind change on my face
it's time to jump