because with you, everything and nothing makes sense

i graduated. well, sort of.
i'm 21 with my "whole life in front of me" and yet, i think i've seen it all.
that's the problem. i think that i've seen it all. i'm sure i haven't.
perhaps a pause in the hum of every day life would do me good. perhaps a good kick in the pants would, too. what is it of my generation, of which i am very much a part, that seems to believe that we should, nay deserve fulfillment in every aspect of our lives? i think about how i got here. i am not the product of a rich heritage of fairy-tale love stories, but rather of every day life moving on in spite of set-backs, up-sets, and start-ups. so, when i wake up early every morning to go to work, am i expecting to be "in love" with what i do always? if i go to college, will it be all that i wanted? Really, "What of this makes us who we are?" (S. Groves)
i graduated. sort of...

cold, not forgotten

it's cold outside.
i shiver inside, i hold a cup tightly.
finger tips turn white.

your words still hang on.
they're catching, snagging at my soul.
like the wood my feet tread upon.

whispering ghosts, and shapes.
your memory i cannot forget, the way we were.
the way i longed for your face.

photographs recall, journals spill over.
when we knew, i knew; i wanted you.
it feels like it has been years of forever.

it's cold outside.
i shiver inside, holding on to what warmth i have.
because i've forgotten.
i've forgotten how to love my first Love.

jump

from where i'm standing i cannot see far ahead
there are miles of uncertainty rolling out like the plains of the West
my fears as the size of thunderstorm clouds
roll out across the unknown territories ahead
holding back never did me any good
in the end we all lose

i'm holding my hands out expecting to be led
waiting for the Unseen Hands
when they lead, will i follow?
a dichotomy of grown up fears and childlike problems
convalescing from hiding under the covers too long
waiting for the morning

the dead is ressurecting
death has wrought new and better life
my God, His Son has shown me a new way to live
i'm watching the clouds, waiting for the storm
feeling the wind change on my face
it's time to jump

Nothing says something

a thousand times when words have been needed, they've been unspoken.

when action was urgent, it was inaction.

where love was starving, it was left hungry another day.

is that to say, nothing says nothing?

no. nothing says something.

nothing says "i am afraid", "i don't want to", "i worry", "i am not the

one...", "someone else would be better...".

inaction, means action.

the action of not acting.

in the silence, in the still, in the winter death of inaction,

choices are made, acted upon, lived out.

silence is not silent forever.

and maybe it screams out more than we know.

it is my prayer for sinners like me,

who say they want change, who say they want to love others

and show Jesus' love alive in their lives

for the whole world to see. it is my prayer,

for you who try and keep failing, who get up to be knocked down.

who gasp for air amid the smog of your own struggles,

trust God. trust Jesus' blood to carry you not only from

condemnation but through tribulation. trust, and live.

trust, and act. for inaction speaks volumes.

i forget that i am on display for the world to see...

Good morning, sun.

there are some things, like genetics, which i am glad pass on to the next generation.
things like enjoying a cup of coffee in the mornings.
if i did not have fond memories of watching my mom drink coffee every morning, i don't think i would much care for it, myself.
strangely, because it reminds me of being small, i like it.
i love sunny days, because i remember flying kites - those cheap 50 cent ones that'd break after about an hour - and running with my sister.
if my dad didn't so enjoy driving and talking, i should think that i wouldn't enjoy it very much at all - but, because i remember those things, all the times that i spent with people i love... i love those things now.
when you get older, people still ask you the same questions they've been asking you all your life: "what do you want to be when you grow up?" but the twist is that this time, you need a realistic answer. Doctors, lawyers, astronauts, and superhero-people, are all fine and good, but now it's time to be serious.
but, i don't want to forget what it means to dream.
i don't want to lost sight of enjoying the simple beauties of this life God has created; only to chase after a vocation because i am supposed to.
the twist is, i don't want to sit on my butt, either.
i want to live to the glory of The Only God, who made me.
and i want to remember what it is to dream, to run in the sunshine, to enjoy people's company and not just be there, but to BE there - not somewhere else in thought and desire.
hello new year, i am ready to be small.

Routine

it's kind of humorous to me (kind of)
how terrifying routines are to me.
the way i fight outside of reason
to keep from being placed inside of a box of obligation.
only to find that i'd done it to myself long ago.

it's interesting to wake up to the same thoughts
every day. the same worries, the same dreams.
but they never progress, they never change.
i move along all day long, and never go anywhere.
and i blame everything else but me.

it's sobering to see the rapidity of life.
how fast it comes, and how quickly it's slipping away.
how it is actually possibly to sleep away your life.
to live in a dream world of safe routine,
only to wake up a life-time later to the end.

i don't want my recycled moments of safety.
the familiar, easy, tried.
i don't want to make it through to the end
and not have cried, fought, worked for what i love.
i don't want to wake up in the arms of GOD and feel that i hadn't done enough.

How long my GOD?

if the mountains were crumbling all around,
and the hill sides were melting like wax.
but only that those without were well,
then i know i would be fine.
GOD, smite me.
take me.
may life hurl it's insults upon me.
for i know there is not a pain in this world,
that is not my own fault.
but, O my God, spare; do not allow,
do not allow sin to smother those around me,
and me to only stand by and watch.
i cannot watch, O God.
come quickly, and with You,
bring healing.
come quickly, and shed Your light.
hurry swiftly to these smoldering lands,
and save Your remnant.
only, God, may i live to fight for You,
and may i die also fighting for You.